2016, The year I can’t wait to see end.

Warning:  This post is pretty much venting on my part.  The picture I chose has nothing to do with anything I said, but it was just too cute not to include!

On the minute chance that anyone noticed, yes, I did take down my rambling post from a few days ago. Note to self… Do not engage in blogging when utterly exhausted. 

Anyway, yes, it’s true.  I really cannot wait for this year to be over. With the U.S. election finally being over, I expect I’m not the only one.

Really America, what happened there?  Why on earth would you put that man in the White House?  These are of course rhetorical questions that I don’t expect, or want, anyone to answer.  What I do know is that some of my American friends and family are justifiably worried, especially those in the LGTB community.  And I’m worried for them.

Aside from the rambling post I left up briefly, it has been nearly a year since I’ve posted anything.  My plans for this blog haven’t gone as originally planned.  Part of the reason for that is the same reason I don’t blog under my name…real life drama that follows me online.

Speaking of which, on what world is it okay to attack your child’s chosen spouse every single damn time you talk to your offspring?  You don’t have to like or approve of your children’s choice in spouses, but you sure as hell can show some basic courtesy.

In other news, my world has been turned upside down this year…

In late February, we lost the last of our senior furbabies.  Aries has turned 15 about 6 weeks before we had to say goodbye.  His kidney disease, a common condition in older cats, progressed faster than expected.

Understand that until the day we had to euthanize Aries, I had never lived a single day of my entire existence – and I’m in the latter half of my 40s – without having at least one cat.  

This is a huge paradigm shift in my world and frankly, I hate it.  I’ve already had my life shrunk that of a hermit where the internet is my only regular connection to the outside world.  The single biggest factor that has seen me through so very much, especially through a lifetime of health issues, has been my pets. And now they are all gone.

We talk about getting another kitten or cat, insured of course, but for reasons I won’t bother going into, I doubt it will ever actually happen.

That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading.

Advertisements

Does Time Fly By, or Crawl By?

RAMBLING ALERT!

I realized after writing this, that I rambled a bit…oops! 😀 Also, I tried repeatedly to just show the Summary where folks could click on “more…” if they wished to continue reading instead of one long post. But in months I’ve been away, they changed that several functions and I can’t quite figure it all out yet. Sorry about that.

Moving right along now with the actual post…

The concept of time really has me all screwed up this past year.  Sometimes it seems to fly by so fast I get windburn, but at other times I could swear it stopped altogether!

It’s been a year now since I started this blog.  So many wonderful people immediately welcomed me to this wonderful online space that is WordPress, and for that I will always be grateful!

I’ve had so many false starts and still haven’t used this blog as I originally intended…

You see, this blog was (and still is) meant to be my space.  The place where I could say whatever I wanted, about any topic, and not have to constantly worry about how people in my “real” offline world would react.  I’d kept so much bottled up for so very long, just trying to keep the peace, that I thought I might go completely bonkers.  Or postal…

I had, and still do, tons of thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head.  Getting them onto paper (so to speak), where other people could actually read them, has proven a lot more challenging  than I had expected.

In one sense, blogging is a lot like journaling, but then again, it’s really not.  Over many long years, I’ve filled countless paper journals, but coming up with a post that wouldn’t later make wish I could crawl under a rock and disappear… 😳  Well now, that’s just a whole different ball game!

Which brings me back to the title of this post, “Does Time Fly By, or Crawl By?”  Speaking for myself, I would have to say both.  (As I suspect it does for almost everyone. 😉)

When I started this blog it had only just over a year since I was diagnosed with MS (Mulitple Sclerosis). As I state right in the “About Me” area of this blog, the diagnosis was decades in the making, and when I started this blog, I was still very deeply buried in the angry phase of grief.

Angry that I’d been ignored by the medical field for so very long.  Angry that even with irrefutable proof glaring back from the MRI scans that not only did I have MS, I’d had it for a very long time.

Angry that still, it wasn’t good enough for some people in my life to believe I wasn’t a lazy cow and hypochondriac.  Yeah, well I don’t talk to those particular people anymore.  Family or friend, they had to go.

Furious that my GP (family doctor) still did not, and to this day still does not believe my various symptoms are as bad as I say. Furious that he refuses to educate himself on studies taken over the last 20 or so years proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that yes – unlike decades of the incorrect assumption widely accepted by the medical field worldwide, that MS is essentially a painless disease – which he still believes to be true. Yes doctor, MS DOES cause pain, in many cases a lot of pain.

Unrelenting, never breaking, drive your nearly to the point of insanity kind of pain. Even my neurologist has told him so, and stated that I need better pain control to have any decent quality of life. His answer? Nope! Almost a year ago, he cut back what I was barely surviving on to less than 1/2 the dose, and recently made another small cut in the number prescribed, and again, without consulting me or the neurologist. I have barely left my home at all this past year. I made it to one movie with my husband and a friend, and all other “outings” have been for various doctor & specialist appointments, and medical tests. And for those I have “outings” I have to portion out my meager supply of pain meds to get through the day, yet each one still costs me anywhere between 2 to 7 days in bed recovering. (And no, there is still no option to find another GP where I live.)

Angry that year after year, decade after decade, my health continued to decline, my disability to accrue, and still, no-one could be bothered to take me seriously.  Seriously enough to do the one single test that would have shown what the core bloody problem was to begin with!  God knows I’ve had every other invasive and embarrassing test done, repeatedly, over the span of 30 years. Hell, despite now having enough proof to convince even the biggest skeptic, my GP still doesn’t believe the MS is not new or, that most of my symptoms are very real.  (Though I suppose after he spent nearly a year convincing me that all the various specialists I was sent to until that fateful MRI was finally done and analyzed by one of the country’s top MS specialists, who was shocked no one had done one before given my medical history, categorically said no more tests were needed.  That first set of MRI scans left zero doubt in his mind that I had MS and had had it for a very, very longt time.  Once my GP got that report he could no longer deny the truth, but over two years later is being very selective about the severity and the length of time I’ve had it.  Still, for him, that’s actual progress!)  Sadly though, he still balks at treating anything related to the MS and the neurologist can’t see me nearly often enough to write prescriptions or handles relapses.  So for the latter, and when the pain drives me to a breaking point, I go to the ER. Which the ER hates because it’s a huge waste of time, resources and taxpayers money, and the GP hates for the same reasons.  Except in his case, it also makes him look bad for refusing to treat the pain appropriately, or prescribe steroids for the relapses – neither of which he thinks are nearly as bad as I “claim” them to be.

Angry that even most of my family didn’t care enough to believe me, before or after finally getting the diagnosis.

Obviously I still have some anger around all this.  (Okay…a lot of lingering anger…😃) I suspect I always will.

But, I am finally learning to accept the things that I cannot change or control.  In some cases, that means letting go of the very people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.

In my case, it meant facing the fact those family members who rejected me as soon as our mother died and my services as the the family caregiver, general lackey and whatever else was needed…then again rejected me when I was diagnosed, terrified, angry and feeling very much alone and unwanted…  After several miserable months of trying to find out why they hated me, and did they ever truly love me….  Finally, I had to face the truth.  No, they never did care.  We were raised in the same house, by the same parents, but I truly was the little sister they never wanted

So I’m learning, albeit at the pace of a dead snail, to let them go. And as for my GP, I’ll just keep gritting my teeth while looking for a new one. The doctor shortage around here can’t last forever…I hope.

So in terms of things I can’t change or control, time crawls by.  So slowly that at times I’d dearly love to kick in the arse and scream, “MOVE, DAMN YOU, MOVE!”

But at other times, it seems to truly fly by so fast I that I can’t even catch sight of it.  In the last year I’ve had so many ups and downs, that at times I feel like a basketball being dribbled across the court of life!  The downs have been excrutiatingly slow and seem to drag on forever…but the highs, as brief, small and fleeting as they might seem, have been nothing less than wonderful!

In the last year, I’ve rediscovered a couple of true friends I had thought lost to time.  They, along with a couple newer, but not brand new, friendships, have helped kept me sane and made life worth fighting for.  I’ve finally accepted the fact that I can’t go on pretending I will somehow get better one day, and must accept and use, physical aides if I’m to have any kind of life outside my bedroom walls.  (Now, if I could just talk the landlord into replacing the stairs with an escalator…😉)

Okay, so this has turned out far longer than I intended and upon re-reading it, much whinier than I’d hoped.  But hey, the good news is I’ve finally written a post of my own and not another re-blog!

I sincerely hope everyone had a great, safe and joyful holiday season and that you and yours are all doing well this new year!

Cheers!

Why I Blog…

Or more accurately, why I blog the way I do.

What with all the various reblogs on a wide range of topics that I’ve been checkering my blog with since I started a few months ago, some might wonder if I have an actual purpose in mind.  A voice, so to speak.

To be honest, the only real goal I had when starting this blog, was to have a place that was mine.

A place that where I could speak my mind and not have to worry about what other people are going to say. That’s the beauty of being able to write anonymously, and to also having the power to approve or deny comments.

You see, I am fully aware the very people I don’t want to ever find out about this blog, may eventually do so.

And despite the fact that I have not yet, nor have intentions of ever doing so, slamming them in any way – or returning the “favour” of saying about them all the nasty things they have said, and in some cases, continue to say, about me – I cannot bring myself to stoop to their level.  Though it is, make no mistake, bloody tempting at times!

I wanted a place where I could tell my story, and be heard, but not judged.  In the short time I’ve been here, I’ve been welcomed and encouraged by so many wonderful people.

I hope I can be as supportive of them, as they have been to me.  And I hope to support and encourage other new bloggers.  Eventually, I hope I can gain the courage to tell my story.  I’m not seeking sympathy, just compassion. And connection to other people.

I do have some wonderful “offline” friends. They don’t judge me or my multitude of health problems, and their unwavering support – especially in the last few years as my life has been more or less imploding around me, has meant the world to me – but they all have busy lives.

It’s hard to stay positive when your own family betrays you, cuts you out the minute you are no longer useful.  It’s hard to stay positive when others – who you are powerless to completely cut out of your life – spend so much time calling you filthy names, gossiping about you and in general, do their level best to break up your marriage.

It’s hard to stay positive when you are in pain 24/7, year after year.  Especially when despite have excellent medical coverage, you still can’t get the medical profession to care enough to help you.

As to the question of why I’ve been reblogging so many posts from other blogs, the answer is simple.  I reblog posts that I feel need to be shared as widely as possibly.

Oh shit.  Please pardon my French, but I’m having yet another on of “those” moments right bloody now.  I’m going to do something I don’t normally do and actually hit the Publish button, rather that leave this the Drafts pile with all the others I’ve written, but never actually posted.

 

Looks Can Be Deceiving

A very touching and insightful post by one smart young lady!

What a fabulous way to end this beautiful, sunny weekend!

Please take the time to read it. I promise you won’t regret it. 🙂

Loud Thoughts Voiced Out

I want to start this blog with a little activity / homework / experiment, whatever you want to call it, for you. When you’re out on the street, somewhere, I want you to look at a person and I want you to judge them by how they look. Think of the nastiest, bitchiest and rudest comments you possibly can, all because of how that person looks. Like “Oh. Look at her face. So snooty. I bet she’s an effing.. something.” Any name calling, any amount of judgement you can possibly pass about that person.

Now I want you to walk up to them and I want you to shove all that judgement away and put on a sweet voice and as genuine a smile as you can and tell them, “Hey. I’m sorry if I’m intruding. I was just standing there and I constantly kept feeling like you’re going through…

View original post 858 more words

This is what you call “not helping your case”

This is UNACCEPTABLE! A garbage diagnosis? Gee, where have I heard that before? Oh, wait I know… When my doctor said the same thing about my MS diagnosis. I have heard variations of the same kind of misogynistic bullshit from more than a few “doctors” before. F**k you, Dr. Drew. How DARE you immediately jump to such absurd conclusions based on a three minute phone call with the patient’s fiance? That’s ethically and morally wrong.

Some interesting screengrabs of Tweets from Drew Pinsky, his wife Susan, and the ditch they are digging themselves into more and more today with terrible handling of Pinsky’s misguided (at best) comments about endometriosis and IC during the Loveline show on Thursday night.

Apparently the situation at hand may be discussed on his show on Monday, April 28. We shall see. Even if it is, Susan Pinsky makes it sound like we’re in for another shit sandwich.

To follow what’s going on, you don’t even need to have a Twitter account. Mine is twitter.com/endosucks (or @endosucks if you do have an account). Drew Pinsky is @drdrew, @loveline and @drdrewHLN (yes, he’s on CNN too), though he does also have others (like for the podcast). Susan Pinsky is @firstladyoflove.

If you want to respond, tweet at these accounts, and/or use the trending term #educatedrdrew.

Image

Image

 

And then this treasure happened. Why…

View original post 43 more words

Trouble in Threes

So a couple days after my last post about sick furballs and stress, it would seem the third member of our elderly furry trio, was feeling a bit left out.  I swear, this time he managed this out of sheer jealousy at all the money not spent on him!

Aries, the rotund, bratty middle child who was doing just fine, waddles up to me one morning a few days after my last post about the other two, and stares at me.  Two inches from my face with his big eyes wide open.  Sort of.

His right eye is a little weepy, but nothing too odd.  No icky goo leaking out, it’s just a bit damp.  No biggie, he could have just irritated it with his paw or a dust bunny.  I reach up with a tissue and then I notice something odd.

The eyeball itself has morphed into a lizard type eyeball, while the left side is perfectly feline.  What the…???

Okay, he might be named after an ancient, mythical god of war – and like most gods, does have a petty, vindictive streak (no offense to my religiously inclined friends) – but as for being actually being physically tough and stoic…

Oh sure, he struts around the house all proud and manly.  And has the most ferocious sounding fights with the neighbour cat…with the glass door firmly closed between them.  The hiding from loud noises?  That’s just him performing tactical retreats to plot his next move.  Tormenting his furry siblings…all in good fun.

And he has dealt with some very traumatic injuries.  After all, there was that time a couple of years ago when I visciously mangled a front paw pad while trimming his nails.  It only took bright daylight and a flashlight to reveal the deep gash I had cut into him when he wiggled.  Why it broke at least one layer of skin, possibly even two!  And it was a long cut too…3 to 4 millimeters!  The only reason it didn’t bleed – not even a single drop – was through a sheer force of will on his part.

Obviously, I was never forgiven for this heinous crime, so off we go to the groomers every 4 to 6 weeks now.

But I digress.

Now that we’ve established what brave and ferocious warrior Aries Cat is, imagine my alarm upon realizing that he was now transforming into an entirely different species!  Or at least has one eyeball looking distinctly un-cat like.

And not a whimper out of him.  That should have been my first, no, make that second clue.  The first had been the night before when he was exceptionally needy and cranky all at the same time.  Even for him. Sigh.

Several phone calls to the vet’s office and 24 hours later, we’re back in there with Lizard Cat in tow.  See, cats have this 3rd inner eyelid that normally only comes out and stays out, in response to illness, injury or the trauma (to the body) of being treated for one or the other.  This condition is called Horner’s Syndrome.  Yeah, I didn’t know about this one either.  And my pets have a long history of developing uncommon health issues.

But the good doctor could find no evidence of injury or illness, was very stumped, knew we had just spent a fortune for the other two.  She didn’t want to order tests because if her suspicion about it being Horner’s was right; there being no actual test and the treatment, if needed, being the same in most cases.

Off we went with instructions of what to watch for.  Still worried and sucking up apologizing for the kennel, car ride, thermometer in the butt and manhandling by strangers, we worshipped him even more than usual for the next couple days.

He lapped it up like a sponge and about two days later, suddenly started acting as though the eye hurt.  There was no sign of physical distress whatsoever until then.  Aries is always very clear when he feels any level of pain or discomfort.  But this time we’re not sure as the pain seems to come and go…depending on the audience factor.

Sigh, more call’s to the vet.  She is just as puzzled as I rattle off anything that night possibly, even by the most tenuous of threads, be related.  Finally, at my request, she prescribes non-steroidal, anti-imflammatory drops that won’t hurt him, but will help if he’s actually in pain.  A week and $200 later, his lordship’s eye returned to normal.

We still don’t know if it actually was Horner’s Syndrome, or a boo boo.  But I would not be at all surprised to find out it was self-inflicted.

Sigh.

Oh, on the upside, they gave him a complimentary toe clipping.  Ha!  Bet that wasn’t part of his plan!

I’m still here… Furbabies & Stress

This is a post to let my wonderful new WordPress friends, that I haven’t abandoned my blog, or stopped reading all theirs.

The last six weeks or so have been very…challenging, let’s say, in my world.

You see, I’ve had to deal with a couple of depressing and slightly scary medical appointments. Finances have been much like playing a game of Russian roulette. And two of our three senior furbabies have been taking up most of my limited energy, as well as depleting our funds at an insane rate.

We have one kitty, a black and white tuxedo & Siamese mix, who turns 20 years old this coming Mother’s Day. She is in the final stages of renal failure, scrawny as hell these days, and has very recently had two suspected mini-strokes.

I really thought when I took her to the vet a couple of weeks ago, that she would not be coming home again. But tiny though she is, Sheera is one tough little lady! The vet was actually shocked both about how good she does look (for her age), and how well her latest test results came out. Apparently, she rarely sees cats this old that are looking, or doing, so good!

I trust my vet’s office and their team of doctor’s implicitly, so it was with a huge sigh of relief to hear this one tell that no, the time to say goodbye had definitely not come. Yes, the tests results show that Sheera’s kidneys have gotten worse, but that was no surprise. The other test results though, were amazingly good ones!  That was a surprise, and very pleasant one at that!

We’ve had Sheera on prescription renal formula wet food for years, since she was diagnosed at 16 during a routine geriatric check-up. Last fall, pain meds were added for arthritis. And now, new a two new meds have been added, along with real tuna mixed into her wet food, have been added to increase her appetite.

And I think it’s working… She’s eating more than she has in a long time, and I think she may even have put on an ounce or two!

And then there’s our nearly 13 year old black Lab, Keiko. She has been on pain meds for well over a year now, to help with her arthritis. Unfortunately, we ran out at them at same time we had to bring Sheera in (unplanned emergency visit), and it had been over the one year mark since she (Keiko) had seen a doctor. As Keiko’s meds are by prescription, out vet’s office can not legally renew them after the year mark is up.

In January of 2013, Keiko had dual surgery to remove a few large benign lumps that had gotten so big they were getting in her way and causing discomfort. She also had an abscessed tooth removed, have a couple of holes sewn shut from surrounding teeth we didn’t know she had lost, and the rest cleaned.

That was Keiko’s fourth surgery, the first when she was spayed, the 2nd at a year old when she literally ate her bed (!)and the third when she was five and had a cancerous lump removed from her haunch. Imagine my panic when the benign, age related lumps started visibly showing several years later!

(We had also lost our previous lab to an aggressive form of cancer that we fought for two years. So I do tend to freak-out when I find lumps on any of our furballs.)

Keiko’s check-up went fairy well…but the doctor did find a large, previously unknown, lump hiding in her groin area. Given that she has several known internal and external known-to-be benign cysts – some slow-growing, others not so slow-growing – her age, general state of health and how badly she emotionally coped with her last surgery, the vet advised us to just watch it.

It’s the same vet that did her surgery and fell completely in love with her!  We are going to assume – at the her advice – that the new discovered lump is benign like all the others, given the above info and other factors I won’t go into here.

So basically, overall, Keiko’s check-up went well. But it was yet another reminder that as Labs go, she’s getting quite old. Her and Sheera both. I know we won’t have either too much longer. Despite having already out-lived two estimated timelines, Sheera’s time might be as little as a few months. Possibly less and possibly more, but I know her state of health can turn on a dime.  For that matter, so could Keiko’s.

This is, of course to be expected given their advanced years, but it’s still very upsetting and depressing. 😦

Between the costs of the vet visits, tests, prescription food for both animals – Keiko has been on prescription food for years due to skin allergies – and four different prescriptions in total for both of them, plus a months worth of flea meds for all three animals…all at the same time, has put an enormous financial strain on us.

Especially since hubby has only been working again for a couple of months, after three months of no income for him at all. (Yeah, beginning of last December, completely out of the blue, he was laid-off. That’s the 2nd Xmas in a row it’s happened.)

I should point out, in all due fairness to our wonderful veterinarian practice, that they have been exceedingly kind and generous with us.  We’ve been with them 15 years now and they have allowed us to put no less than three expensive dog and cat surgeries on a payment system.  As our bill is already quite high due to repeated and unexpected loss of income in the last two years, ergo we have not been able to finish (yet) paying off the dog’s last surgery.

The doctors and staff truly love animals and will do everything in their power to assist pet parents in providing the best possible care for every animal they see.  Even if  it means referring you somewhere else, and they are pretty great about free phone advice.  They also do not push expensive meds if cheaper, as effective one are available in pharmacies or elsewhere.

Oh, and the third senior furbaby I mentioned? His name is Aries, and he’s a chubby, bratty, 14 year old, black and white tuxedo and also a Siamese mix. We’ve recently put him on the same wet food as Sheera and switched their kibble to the same formula in dry. Pricey, but we are hoping it helps to keep his kidneys in good shape for a long time to come!

Anyway, as you might guess, the stress of all this has been overwhelming me and blogging fell by the wayside.

But I haven’t quit and hope to get back into a writing groove soon!

Cheers!