2016, The year I can’t wait to see end.

Warning:  This post is pretty much venting on my part.  The picture I chose has nothing to do with anything I said, but it was just too cute not to include!

On the minute chance that anyone noticed, yes, I did take down my rambling post from a few days ago. Note to self… Do not engage in blogging when utterly exhausted. 

Anyway, yes, it’s true.  I really cannot wait for this year to be over. With the U.S. election finally being over, I expect I’m not the only one.

Really America, what happened there?  Why on earth would you put that man in the White House?  These are of course rhetorical questions that I don’t expect, or want, anyone to answer.  What I do know is that some of my American friends and family are justifiably worried, especially those in the LGTB community.  And I’m worried for them.

Aside from the rambling post I left up briefly, it has been nearly a year since I’ve posted anything.  My plans for this blog haven’t gone as originally planned.  Part of the reason for that is the same reason I don’t blog under my name…real life drama that follows me online.

Speaking of which, on what world is it okay to attack your child’s chosen spouse every single damn time you talk to your offspring?  You don’t have to like or approve of your children’s choice in spouses, but you sure as hell can show some basic courtesy.

In other news, my world has been turned upside down this year…

In late February, we lost the last of our senior furbabies.  Aries has turned 15 about 6 weeks before we had to say goodbye.  His kidney disease, a common condition in older cats, progressed faster than expected.

Understand that until the day we had to euthanize Aries, I had never lived a single day of my entire existence – and I’m in the latter half of my 40s – without having at least one cat.  

This is a huge paradigm shift in my world and frankly, I hate it.  I’ve already had my life shrunk that of a hermit where the internet is my only regular connection to the outside world.  The single biggest factor that has seen me through so very much, especially through a lifetime of health issues, has been my pets. And now they are all gone.

We talk about getting another kitten or cat, insured of course, but for reasons I won’t bother going into, I doubt it will ever actually happen.

That’s it for now.  Thanks for reading.

To all my followers: Good news, I’m not dead!

Just dropping a quick note before heading off to sleep…

Yes, I’m still alive.  No, I have no intentions of quitting this blog.  2015 has been a really crappy year in my world.  I will be back as soon as things slow down enough that I can concentrate long enough to write.

Best wishes to everyone.  Know that I hope your holiday season is going well.

Does Time Fly By, or Crawl By?

RAMBLING ALERT!

I realized after writing this, that I rambled a bit…oops! 😀 Also, I tried repeatedly to just show the Summary where folks could click on “more…” if they wished to continue reading instead of one long post. But in months I’ve been away, they changed that several functions and I can’t quite figure it all out yet. Sorry about that.

Moving right along now with the actual post…

The concept of time really has me all screwed up this past year.  Sometimes it seems to fly by so fast I get windburn, but at other times I could swear it stopped altogether!

It’s been a year now since I started this blog.  So many wonderful people immediately welcomed me to this wonderful online space that is WordPress, and for that I will always be grateful!

I’ve had so many false starts and still haven’t used this blog as I originally intended…

You see, this blog was (and still is) meant to be my space.  The place where I could say whatever I wanted, about any topic, and not have to constantly worry about how people in my “real” offline world would react.  I’d kept so much bottled up for so very long, just trying to keep the peace, that I thought I might go completely bonkers.  Or postal…

I had, and still do, tons of thoughts and ideas rolling around in my head.  Getting them onto paper (so to speak), where other people could actually read them, has proven a lot more challenging  than I had expected.

In one sense, blogging is a lot like journaling, but then again, it’s really not.  Over many long years, I’ve filled countless paper journals, but coming up with a post that wouldn’t later make wish I could crawl under a rock and disappear… 😳  Well now, that’s just a whole different ball game!

Which brings me back to the title of this post, “Does Time Fly By, or Crawl By?”  Speaking for myself, I would have to say both.  (As I suspect it does for almost everyone. 😉)

When I started this blog it had only just over a year since I was diagnosed with MS (Mulitple Sclerosis). As I state right in the “About Me” area of this blog, the diagnosis was decades in the making, and when I started this blog, I was still very deeply buried in the angry phase of grief.

Angry that I’d been ignored by the medical field for so very long.  Angry that even with irrefutable proof glaring back from the MRI scans that not only did I have MS, I’d had it for a very long time.

Angry that still, it wasn’t good enough for some people in my life to believe I wasn’t a lazy cow and hypochondriac.  Yeah, well I don’t talk to those particular people anymore.  Family or friend, they had to go.

Furious that my GP (family doctor) still did not, and to this day still does not believe my various symptoms are as bad as I say. Furious that he refuses to educate himself on studies taken over the last 20 or so years proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that yes – unlike decades of the incorrect assumption widely accepted by the medical field worldwide, that MS is essentially a painless disease – which he still believes to be true. Yes doctor, MS DOES cause pain, in many cases a lot of pain.

Unrelenting, never breaking, drive your nearly to the point of insanity kind of pain. Even my neurologist has told him so, and stated that I need better pain control to have any decent quality of life. His answer? Nope! Almost a year ago, he cut back what I was barely surviving on to less than 1/2 the dose, and recently made another small cut in the number prescribed, and again, without consulting me or the neurologist. I have barely left my home at all this past year. I made it to one movie with my husband and a friend, and all other “outings” have been for various doctor & specialist appointments, and medical tests. And for those I have “outings” I have to portion out my meager supply of pain meds to get through the day, yet each one still costs me anywhere between 2 to 7 days in bed recovering. (And no, there is still no option to find another GP where I live.)

Angry that year after year, decade after decade, my health continued to decline, my disability to accrue, and still, no-one could be bothered to take me seriously.  Seriously enough to do the one single test that would have shown what the core bloody problem was to begin with!  God knows I’ve had every other invasive and embarrassing test done, repeatedly, over the span of 30 years. Hell, despite now having enough proof to convince even the biggest skeptic, my GP still doesn’t believe the MS is not new or, that most of my symptoms are very real.  (Though I suppose after he spent nearly a year convincing me that all the various specialists I was sent to until that fateful MRI was finally done and analyzed by one of the country’s top MS specialists, who was shocked no one had done one before given my medical history, categorically said no more tests were needed.  That first set of MRI scans left zero doubt in his mind that I had MS and had had it for a very, very longt time.  Once my GP got that report he could no longer deny the truth, but over two years later is being very selective about the severity and the length of time I’ve had it.  Still, for him, that’s actual progress!)  Sadly though, he still balks at treating anything related to the MS and the neurologist can’t see me nearly often enough to write prescriptions or handles relapses.  So for the latter, and when the pain drives me to a breaking point, I go to the ER. Which the ER hates because it’s a huge waste of time, resources and taxpayers money, and the GP hates for the same reasons.  Except in his case, it also makes him look bad for refusing to treat the pain appropriately, or prescribe steroids for the relapses – neither of which he thinks are nearly as bad as I “claim” them to be.

Angry that even most of my family didn’t care enough to believe me, before or after finally getting the diagnosis.

Obviously I still have some anger around all this.  (Okay…a lot of lingering anger…😃) I suspect I always will.

But, I am finally learning to accept the things that I cannot change or control.  In some cases, that means letting go of the very people who are supposed to love you unconditionally.

In my case, it meant facing the fact those family members who rejected me as soon as our mother died and my services as the the family caregiver, general lackey and whatever else was needed…then again rejected me when I was diagnosed, terrified, angry and feeling very much alone and unwanted…  After several miserable months of trying to find out why they hated me, and did they ever truly love me….  Finally, I had to face the truth.  No, they never did care.  We were raised in the same house, by the same parents, but I truly was the little sister they never wanted

So I’m learning, albeit at the pace of a dead snail, to let them go. And as for my GP, I’ll just keep gritting my teeth while looking for a new one. The doctor shortage around here can’t last forever…I hope.

So in terms of things I can’t change or control, time crawls by.  So slowly that at times I’d dearly love to kick in the arse and scream, “MOVE, DAMN YOU, MOVE!”

But at other times, it seems to truly fly by so fast I that I can’t even catch sight of it.  In the last year I’ve had so many ups and downs, that at times I feel like a basketball being dribbled across the court of life!  The downs have been excrutiatingly slow and seem to drag on forever…but the highs, as brief, small and fleeting as they might seem, have been nothing less than wonderful!

In the last year, I’ve rediscovered a couple of true friends I had thought lost to time.  They, along with a couple newer, but not brand new, friendships, have helped kept me sane and made life worth fighting for.  I’ve finally accepted the fact that I can’t go on pretending I will somehow get better one day, and must accept and use, physical aides if I’m to have any kind of life outside my bedroom walls.  (Now, if I could just talk the landlord into replacing the stairs with an escalator…😉)

Okay, so this has turned out far longer than I intended and upon re-reading it, much whinier than I’d hoped.  But hey, the good news is I’ve finally written a post of my own and not another re-blog!

I sincerely hope everyone had a great, safe and joyful holiday season and that you and yours are all doing well this new year!

Cheers!

Sorry about being MIA

Dear blog friends,

My apologies for being MIA lately.  I will return and post more that a pic about a kitten plotting world domination or the occassional reblogged article.

I’ve just been having a bit of a rough run lately between the loss of my ancient kitty a few weeks ago, the heat and my MS acting up.

Hope everyone is doing well and having a great summer, or winter as the case may be! 🙂

HarsH ReaLiTy Kickstarter

Edited July 12…Reason, to fix typos from hell. The original was supposed to be a draft. Tip for the day, do *not* try posting when half asleep…😆

Hello my friends,

This is something I’ve never done before – reblogged or in anyway advertised a Kickstarter campaign (or anything else that I recall)- so I hope that indicates for you just how badly I want this to succeed.

Opinionated Man (OM) of the personal blog, *HarsH ReaLiTy, is a devoted husband and a father. He has reached a crossroads in life…he must either have a successful Kickstarter with a modest goal of $10,000 (minimum) so he can write full-time, or be forced to cut his blogging activities down by 90%. I fear if he does, he will cease blogging altogether. And that I believe would be a tragic loss for all of us.

ON is, as the username suggests, a very opinionated fellow, who does a lot of what I call “Life Commentary” on a variety of subjects. He does so with great humour, sharp wit, keen insight and much kindness.

If you’ve never had the good fortune to come across his work, then I strongly advise you pop over soon and have yourself an in-depth look around his material.

If it’s you’re first visit to HaRsH ReaLiTy, I’d reccomend you start with his longer, meatier articles. They will, I believe, better demonstrate his writing chops! Though to be clear, his poetry and short posts are nothing to be sneezed at.

Jason (OM’s offline name 😊), my sincere apologies for letting this one escape before fully polished.

Try Writing

I know, I know. I keep reblogging when I should be writing. Is it my fault there are so many wonderful writers to be found on WordPress? 🙂

This one, from Stuart M. Perkins on his blog “storyshuckers,” is a priceless response to a non-WordPress blogger who apparently wrote a post on his blog, putting down the rest of talentless bloggers, who apparently annoy him by posting our drivel on the internet!

Storyshucker

“Thousands of people who write believe they are better than thousands of others. They believe they will pen the next great American novel but their writing is dull and full of grammatical errors. Why do they write anything intended to be read by the public? Why do they write?”

I read those lines and was impelled to respond. The blogger’s entire post was arrogant and sarcastic, but those lines were the cherries on top. After I acknowledged that he can post what he likes on his own blog, I then asked if rather than squelch ambitions with a negative message about imperfection, he could instead applaud people for their attempts, for our attempts because I am one of the imperfect. But, we still try.

I don’t necessarily like being serious because, well, it’s not funny. I love a little arrogance and sarcasm as much as anyone, maybe more than…

View original post 375 more words

Why I Blog…

Or more accurately, why I blog the way I do.

What with all the various reblogs on a wide range of topics that I’ve been checkering my blog with since I started a few months ago, some might wonder if I have an actual purpose in mind.  A voice, so to speak.

To be honest, the only real goal I had when starting this blog, was to have a place that was mine.

A place that where I could speak my mind and not have to worry about what other people are going to say. That’s the beauty of being able to write anonymously, and to also having the power to approve or deny comments.

You see, I am fully aware the very people I don’t want to ever find out about this blog, may eventually do so.

And despite the fact that I have not yet, nor have intentions of ever doing so, slamming them in any way – or returning the “favour” of saying about them all the nasty things they have said, and in some cases, continue to say, about me – I cannot bring myself to stoop to their level.  Though it is, make no mistake, bloody tempting at times!

I wanted a place where I could tell my story, and be heard, but not judged.  In the short time I’ve been here, I’ve been welcomed and encouraged by so many wonderful people.

I hope I can be as supportive of them, as they have been to me.  And I hope to support and encourage other new bloggers.  Eventually, I hope I can gain the courage to tell my story.  I’m not seeking sympathy, just compassion. And connection to other people.

I do have some wonderful “offline” friends. They don’t judge me or my multitude of health problems, and their unwavering support – especially in the last few years as my life has been more or less imploding around me, has meant the world to me – but they all have busy lives.

It’s hard to stay positive when your own family betrays you, cuts you out the minute you are no longer useful.  It’s hard to stay positive when others – who you are powerless to completely cut out of your life – spend so much time calling you filthy names, gossiping about you and in general, do their level best to break up your marriage.

It’s hard to stay positive when you are in pain 24/7, year after year.  Especially when despite have excellent medical coverage, you still can’t get the medical profession to care enough to help you.

As to the question of why I’ve been reblogging so many posts from other blogs, the answer is simple.  I reblog posts that I feel need to be shared as widely as possibly.

Oh shit.  Please pardon my French, but I’m having yet another on of “those” moments right bloody now.  I’m going to do something I don’t normally do and actually hit the Publish button, rather that leave this the Drafts pile with all the others I’ve written, but never actually posted.